Cleveland Indians Reach Out to Charlie Sheen

Cleveland, OH- Due to his newfound availability, the Cleveland Indians have reportedly approached Charlie Sheen regarding a return to the Indians bullpen.  Team president Mark Shapiro said that one of the key factors that held up the Indians in 2010 was "a lack leadership that knew what winning or bi-winning is all about."  Sheen has not pitched for the Indians since 1994, but is expected to challenge for a role as a setup man in the bullpen.  "Chris Perez did an exceptional job as a closer for us last year, so I suspect if we could add a pitcher who has a little bit of tiger blood and Adonis in his DNA to get us through the 8th we could really be onto something."  When questioned about the timing of this decision, Shapiro explained that "this is the first season since we traded Charlie to Spin City in 2000 that he has been available to come to spring training."

Bob Wickman

Shapiro did voice some concerns regarding bringing Sheen to camp.  Shapiro (having clearly not watched Major League II) went on to say, "The last time I checked he needed heavy prescription glasses to get the ball over the plate and I haven't seen him with anything but shades recently.  I will have our team doctors look in to whether he has had lasik or not."  When asked about Sheen's recent drug binges, Shapiro said "That's not really a concern.  Manny Ramirez played for this team for 8 seasons.  You can't out crazy Manny.  This porn star-cocaine binge stuff is only a code yellow on our Ramirez alert system scale."  "Besides Charlie's binges last for 3 or 4 days and he is back to work.  In 2004, Bob Wickman went on a 8 day Waffle House bender.  The guy missed a key road trip and when he returned he couldn't snap off his slider because he still had syrup on his fingers."  

"We have not been as successful as we would have liked over the past three seasons.  You forget that we were one game away from the world series in 2007."  "Charlie Sheen is responsible for some of the greatest post-season success in this franchise's history.  Sure we went onto two World Series after Major League II but I don't think anyone outside of Atlanta and Cleveland knew there was a World Series in 1995 and 1997, well I can only say two words-Jose Mesa."  He continued,  "Charlie's greatest moments as an Indian were never tainted with real endings like a World Series that was actually shown on screen.  As a member of the Indians family since 1991, I can tell you  that actually watching the Indians in the World Series is never good."    

When reached for comment, Charlie Sheen said that he welcomed the opportunity.  "I have been working out to get ready for Major League 3, my fire breathing fists are ready to go.  I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips and that is what this bullpen has been missing.  When I throw my slider, I am a high priest vatican assassin warlock.  I will return this team to greatness.  I will make Kerry Wood look like a droopy-eyed armless child.  With my bi-winning, I can win here and win there which should improve the Indians recent abysmal road record."  When asked about the senior leadership Sheen might provide given his prior postseason experience, he said, "I like to think of myself as a manager on the field, every plan I have is the best plan in the room."  He went on to reach out to the Cleveland fan base, "I know what LeBron did to you was cruel, I promise to never leave you cold.  If you are a part of my family, I will love you violently."   He also addressed rumors that the Yankees or Red Sox might be interested in him by saying, "Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you.  The Indians are the only team that I would play for."  He finished the interview with this response to a question regarding his drug addiction, "the only thing that I'm addicted to is winning."

The response throughout Cleveland was overwhelmingly positive.  Cleveland Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert- who is also a recovering winning addict, has already reached out to Sheen with information regarding a unique rehab for winners at Promises in Malibu, CA.  "I know that I have relapsed 11 times this year but after getting over the initial shock of LeBron leaving I am almost cured of the need to win.  I mean I traded for Baron Davis, clearly I don't want to win.  Things are looking up."  Drew Carey when reached for comment said, "You remembered that I was alive, I am so flattered.  I have a lot to learn from Charlie, because right now I couldn't get arrested." 

Note: All notations in italics are actual Charlie Sheen quotes