Urban Meyer Retires From Ohio State, Plans To Focus On Family

AP Columbus, OH- Newly hired head football coach Urban Meyer has announced his retirement from coaching today.  Meyer who accepted the job at a 5:15 EST press conference announced his subsequent retirement at 7:38 EST.  "The press conference (announcing his hiring) today just reminded me of all of the time that I will be away from my family.  My esophagus started spasming and my mitral valve began prolapsing just thinking about it.  This latest foray into coaching has really given me perspective on what is really important in life."  Meyer went on to explain that he is planning to take his family to an Old Country Buffet for a family meal to discuss his options going forward.  "I can't rule out a return to coaching sometime after dessert but it really is too early to say."  During his 2 hour long tenure as Ohio State head coach, three Buckeye football players were arrested.  Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith is expected to name an audio-animatronic version of Woody Hayes as head coach.