Frustrated Bracketologists Seek BCS-Like Solution for NCAA Basketball Championship

Washington, DC-With the federal government budget crisis seemingly under control for the next week, President Barack Obama has convened a committee of basketball experts to seek a more satisfying resolution to the college basketball season.  This years Final Four was the first without a #1 or #2 seed advancing since the tournament was expanded to 64 teams.  In the final game, three seed UConn defeated eight seed Butler in an ugly low scoring affair.  Obama who selected all four #1 seeds to advance in his bracket stated, "The current NCAA tournament format which pitted the 9th best team in the Big East (UConn) against the 28th best team (Butler) in the NCAA in the championship game could be markedly improved to feature the best team versus the third or fourth best team like college football."  "If we could only use a more scientific system that incorporates votes from random ex-college players who probably don't even watch the games, journalists who haven't played the game since they were cut in 7th grade, and some computer rankings designed by a cadre of Star Trek fans that didn't even bother to try out for sports instead of a tournament featuring head to head games, we could reach a much more satisfying result."

Obama's committee includes basketball experts ESPN analyst Jay Bilas and Northern Arizona coach Mike Adras.  To date little progress has been made in reaching a consensus in the group as to what system would reach the most satisfactory match-up to decide a champion.  "Our early meetings have been frustratingly slow.  Adras' won't stop talking about how Ohio State has to be the #1 team despite not even reaching the Elite Eight and Bilas has just been rocking in a chair in the Oval Office mumbling "VCU-Shaka Smart" over and over like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man."

When asked about why he is attacking this issue when the federal government budget is still not resolved and United States troops are currently fighting on three fronts, he said "Yeah it's funny that you would mention Libya.  I was kind of busy watching the Richmond Spiders upset Vanderbilt when the UN contacted us about military action in Libya so I just signed whatever they put in front of me that day.  Oops."  He went on to say "the championship game was the worst basketball game that any American has ever seen.  I probably can't do much with this budget and these wars but I can make sure that a monstrosity like Butler-UConn never happens again." 

When asked how he plans to implement his strategy to extend the BCS to college basketball, he said "the representatives from Ohio, Kansas, Western Pennsylvania, and North Carolina will sponsor a filibuster featuring Dick Vitale, Bill Walton, Clark Kellogg and Gus Johnson that at best will force the NCAA to convert to whatever system we develop but at a minimum will induce a Jonestown-style mass suicide of  congressman that could shift the balance of power in the House of Representatives."