Chicago Cubs announce plans to cancel 2011 season, convert Wrigley Field

Chicago, IL- Following the success of the Cleveland Indians Snow Days, in which Progressive Field was converted to a winter playground featuring ice skating and sledding, Chicago Cubs owner and Td Ameritrade founder Joe Ricketts announced plans today to convert Wrigley Field into Chicago's largest water park.  "When we saw the way the Indians utilized their stadium over the holidays to expand their brand and create a family friendly activity, it made us think about the real value of this Cubs franchise."

"In our two years of ownership, we have realized that this baseball team is quite frankly very depressing.  The fine people of Chicago have but a few months in the summer to enjoy the beauty of Chicago.  The other nine months of the year are apparently ruled by lake effect snow and wind conditions that make my home in Omaha feel like Miami.  To think that all of these Chicagoans have been wasting that precious time watching Alfonso Soriano kick the ball around left field saddens me deeply.  By taking away the baseball and converting Wrigley Field into a water park, the people of Chicago can enjoy the grandeur of this historic park every day from Memorial Day to Labor Day.  Previously, our park literally sat empty half of the summer when the team was on the road and when the Cubs were at home our fans were left with an empty feeling every time that Kosuke Fukodome strode to the plate."

Ricketts went on to discuss further financial ramifications that influenced the new plan.  "Look at what we are losing in concessions.  The fans have to destroy themselves with Old Milwaukee at the Cubby Bear before they can even think about making the walk of shame to the bleachers to watch us lose.  First of all, I think that Wrigleyville is the only location in the western world that even recognizes Old Milwaukee as an acceptable beer to serve to human beings.  But also by the time the fans make it to the bleachers they are too drunk to fork over twelve bucks to buy a Miller Lite.  By the third inning our morbidly obese fans look like a bunch of beached sea lions at Fishermans Wharf and we haven't made a dime off of them."

Ricketts went on to describe that the water park that will feature a number of attractions for all ages named in honor of current and past Cub greats and then read from a marketing release describing the attractions.  Attractions will include: 

-Corey Patterson's Black Hole- This water slide will raise you up to new heights early in the ride before you quickly drop off the face of the earth never to be heard from again.  Located in center field. 

-Ron Cey's Penguin Playland- Your kids will love our Happy Feet themed play area on the third baseline.  You might even catch Mark Prior or Kerry Wood icing their arms in the oversized ice baths dedicated to former manager/career destroyer Dusty Baker.

-Ryne Sandberg's Sand Dunes- A beach themed area around the second base bag to commemorate Chicago most recent and likely last member of the Baseball Hall of Fame

-Sammy Sosa's Smoothie Shack- Cool down with one of Sammy's favorite pharmaceutically enhanced summer treats
-Mark Grace presents the "Slump busters"-An adults only synchronized swimming revue featuring some of the Chicagoland's finest BBWs
-Kosuke's Fuk-u-dome- yes, ladies, it's exactly what it sounds like
-Milton Bradley’s Lazy River-Grab an innertube and circle the outfield on this lazy river style ride which ultimately gets you nowhere
-Tuffy Rhodes Tsunami Slide-Named in honor of the the Cubs outfielder who hit 3 home runs on opening day 1994,  but then went on a 2 year slide, hitting only 5 more home runs before leaving for Japan.  Ultimately tied Sadaharu Oh's single season HR record.

-Steve Bartmania- Put on your headphones and green turtleneck and get ready for the ride that might end your life.  Climb aboard this water coaster that retraces the path of Luis Castillo's fly ball in game 6 of the 2003 NLCS.  You'll scream with horror as you drop from the sky just past the outstretched arms of Moises Alou into one of eight different runs before splashing into a pool where you are beaten by a school of marlins.

When asked about contingency plans in the event that the Cubs fielded a successful baseball team this season, Ricketts responded, “Sure anything is possible.  I mean maybe a goat has been cursing this franchise, maybe Babe Ruth did call his shot in Wrigley back in ’32, and maybe the E-trade baby is really talking.  But you need to face facts, this franchise hasn’t won a world series in over 100 years, why would that change now?  You think Carlos Pena and Matt Garza are going to fix this mess.  We’ll be lucky if we buy 20 points of batting average for every million dollars that we pay Pena this year.  Regardless, in the event that we are within 10 games of the wild-card on Memorial Day, maybe we could borrow Northwestern's stadium.  I don’t think that they play baseball in the Big 10 anyway.  I would offer our Td Ameritrade Park in Omaha but we couldn’t interrupt something as important as the College World Series with something as trivial as Chicago Cubs baseball.”

Thanks to Matt, Marc and TSK for their contributions to this posting