Cameron Newton: Entertainer/Icon

Indianapolis, IN- Cam Newton, former Auburn Tigers quarterback and 2010 Heisman Trophy winner, has created a significant stir at the NFL combine in Indianapolis this week.  In an interview Thursday, he stated that he views himself “not only as a football player, but an entertainer and an icon.”   The controversy that ensued led him to begin his press conference with the media on Saturday with the following statement:

                “First and foremost, I understand that my obligation is to be the best possible football player that I can be. I know and believe that.  The recent comments were made during the announcement of my new endorsement partnership.  I was making the point that I want to be the best possible ambassador for (Under Armour), just like I want to be the best possible ambassador for whatever team I am lucky enough to play for.  I’m excited to compete this week, and you will see me doing everything possible to become the best player I can possibly be.”

This is just the latest event in a season’s worth of controversy for the Heisman Trophy winning QB who briefly lost NCAA eligibility this year due to a pay-to-play scam orchestrated by his father, Cecil Newton, and Kenny Rogers, a scouting agent with ties to Mississippi State University.

Following the interview, Newton’s agent Buss Cook clarified his previous statements even further.  “What Cam was trying to say,” Cook said “was that with the uncertain labor situation and the high likelihood of a lockout that he might need to use some of his other skills and talents to keep the Cam Newton brand out there.”  “I mean that $180,000 dollars that he was paid to play college football ain’t going to … umm, I mean, well.  Basically Cam is going to need work to pay the bills.”

Cook when on to lay out his long range plans to establish Newton as an entertainer and icon.  “Cam is a brand with its own unique identity like an Enron, Arthur Anderson, or Lehman Brothers.  We need to expand on that identity.”  “It all starts with a guest spot in the season finale of Glee,” Cook said.  Glee creator Ryan Murphy confirmed that Cam Newton would appear in a role tentatively known as “the third African-American kid at McKinley” in which he would portray a glee club member/high school athlete from a rival high school who transfers into the school under somewhat suspicious circumstances.  Murphy went on to say that Newton would be featured singing a mash-up of the songs “Son a Preacher Man” and Dire Straits “Money for Nothing” and leaked the plotline that the controversy surrounding Newton's transfer to the school ends up threatening the New Directions chances for a title at Nationals.

“After Glee comes the guest spot on a Kanye West remake of Eric B and Rakim’s hip hop classic “Paid in Full”.  And if we are lucky and the owners lock us out next week, I think we might be able to get on Dancing with the Stars.  They’re holding out for Snooki right now, but c’mon this guy won the Heisman Trophy.  This isn’t Akili Smith they’re dealing with”

However, if the season does go on, Cook still has plans to diversify Newton’s portfolio.  He reportedly is in talks with the NFL regarding a possible Super Bowl halftime music extravaganza featuring Cam Newton and Christina Aguilera performing a medley of patriotic songs with the lyrics uniquely reinterpreted by Aguilera.  When questioned about this, Cook declined comment and quickly ended the interview with the following statement “It can’t be worse than the Black-Eyed Peas.”

Great Moments in Twitter History: Melo Edition

George Karl and Carmelo Anthony are finally getting down to the point of sharing their real feelings for each other http://dpo.st/ifXbxT.  Thankfully Twitter was there to capture this and many other moments that give us a better understanding of what Melo is all about.  Years from now philosophers will place these words next to those of Nietzche and Aristotle, but then realize that they have made a horrible mistake. 

@carmeloanthony Carmelo Anthony

WHEN THE GRASS IS CUT THE SNAKES WILL SHOW.

21 hours ago

Perhaps it wasn't the lack of great nightlife or work opportunities for his wife that pushed Melo from Denver.  Apparently, he had tired of caring for his lawn and also suffers from severe Ophidiophobia.  An alternate explanation would be a case of manscaping gone horribly wrong in the Knicks locker room. 

Damn, are u serious. Some people never seize to amaze me. Unbelievable

21 hours ago

Not only did he leave Denver to play for his hometown team-the Knicks.  He also has accepted a position at Sloan-Kettering as a staff neurologist.  Apparently even if you are having a tonic-clonic seizure, it would not amaze him.  Unbelievable-Maybe.  Unflappable-Yes. 

Just sitting here thinking bout Black History Month, and how many people have sacrificed so I kld b where I am... http://fb.me/zspwt7Ed

8 Feb

I think he is specifically referring to African-American authors: Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou whose works pale in comparison to Melo's literary prose contained here.  

check me out on #TheDoctors tomorrow! All about taking care of yourself.

3 Feb via

Another less than veiled reference to his alternate career as the baddest baller/epileptologist in the world 

The true measure of a man is not how he lives in times of prosperity but in times of adversity "

17 Jan

 By adversity does he mean a)getting paid $65 million for 4 years to stay in a city with 300 days of sunshine or b)taking $50 million for 4 years to play in the Big Apple.  Way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and soldier on Horatio Alger!

I just looked at myself in the mirror and my reflection told me "Thank You". Gott go to sleep on that. Lol

12 Jan

Words can't do this justice.  Tweet on Melo!

The week that was:February 15-21

-Lala's Back:  The Denver Post has announced that Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey Billups and 3 guys that you haven't heard of since they played college ball have been traded to the Knicks for Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey Mozgov, the Knicks 2014 first-round draft pick, the Warriors' 2012 second-round pick, the Warriors' 2013 second-round pick and $3 million in cash.  ESPN has been reporting that the Nuggets may package at least two of these players to trade to the Nets for two additional first round draft picks.  All in all, the Melo trade could result in 3 first round picks.  Ironically, since Melo was selected with the #3 pick of the 2003 draft (note: the first 5 picks of that draft were Lebron James, Darko Milicic (oops), Melo, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade-wonder what happened to all of those guys), the Nuggets have selected only two players in the first round of the NBA draft (2004-Jameer Nelson was selected but his rights were promptly traded to the Magic and 2005-Julius Hodge).  Fast checkers will ask about former UNC point guard Ty Lawson- who was actually selected by the Minnesota Timberwolves in the 2009 draft but was quickly traded to Denver.

Now that Melo and Lala will be back in New York, she needs only one more thing to kick start her career: a time machine that could take her back to a time when the words Carson Daly and TRL meant something to someone.

Winners:Nuggets fans who would prefer to not just go to the playoffs to lose in the opening round, Melo, Patrick Ewing and John Starks- as Melo's name will now be synonymous with post-season failure in New York
Losers: Chauncey Billups, people whose cable box is stuck on VH1 who will now be forced to watch reruns of LaLa's Full Court Wedding


-Delaying the inevitable:  Now that this is over, you can turn your attention to a real problem in the Denver sports world:  why do our sports fiascos take so long to resolve.  In just the last 3 years, Denver sports talk hosts have had to cover only 6 stories
-Will Jay Cutler be traded- February 2009-April 2009
-Will Brandon Marshall be traded- the entire 2009 season
-When will they fire Josh McDaniels- if you are being generous only week 7 to week 14 2010
-When will Tim Tebow start- April 2010-December 2010
-Where will Melo go- the day after "the Decision" in July 2010-today
-When is Dan Hawkins going to be fired- November 2008-November 2010

-Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers?-  Since December 5, 2009 when time was placed back on the clock at the end of the Nebraska-Texas Big 12 Championship allowing Texas to kick a game winning field goal, God has been inundated by the following prayer from across the Cornhusker state:  "Whatever you do, please let us beat Texas next season."  However, all of these prayers were apparently unanswered when a top 10 ranked Nebraska team lost to a Texas team that failed to reach bowl eligibility 20-13 on October 16th.

However, flash forward to basketball season and Nebraska upsets #2 Texas in basketball on Feb 19th.  This was the first victory against a top 3 opponent by the Nebrasketballers since 1994.  However, the significance has likely been lost on such a football oriented state  In fact, only 32% of Nebraskans even knew that the school had a basketball team.

When reached for comment on the irony of the situation, God could only say "Oh S***, you guys were praying about football."  

-We'd rather not be #1- The top 4 teams in college basketball lost last week.  This is the first time that this has happened since Nov 25, 2003.  The downside is that now that Duke is number one in basketball, all of the alumni from America's #2 douchiest university (only because the editors of the list refused to allow Duke to be #1 at anything) probably won't shut up about it.

-Juiced- All of the talk about Albert Pujols contract negotiations this week reminded my of something that I have always found incongruent.  Why is Albert Pujol's name not liberally thrown at the top of the list of possible steroid users?  I should specify that I think that he is a good guy and am glad that his name is not commonly associated with steroids.  I also hope that he is actually clean and can keep it together, albeit outside of the NL central, long enough to pass signed, sealed, and delivered steroid users A-Rod and Barry Bonds on the career home run list.  But when you look at his history there are a couple of red flags:
-Undrafted out of high school in Kansas City and went to Maplewood Community College to play college baseball
-Drafted in the 14th round with the 402nd selection in 1999 but rises through the minors in only one full year and goes on to hit 37 home runs as a rookie in 2001
-Looks more like a centaur than a human being
-BIGGEST RED FLAG- He has spent his entire major league career with longstanding steroid apologist manager Tony Larussa.  Larussa managed managed Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire for a majority of their careers and most notably during their most blatant steroid use.  Why Larussa doesn't have his own chapter in the Mitchell Report is beyond me.
-Associates with TV cry baby Glenn Beck whose labile moods are also likely the result of steroid abuse

Please post in the comments other interesting stories from the past week.

Chicago Cubs announce plans to cancel 2011 season, convert Wrigley Field

Chicago, IL- Following the success of the Cleveland Indians Snow Days, in which Progressive Field was converted to a winter playground featuring ice skating and sledding, Chicago Cubs owner and Td Ameritrade founder Joe Ricketts announced plans today to convert Wrigley Field into Chicago's largest water park.  "When we saw the way the Indians utilized their stadium over the holidays to expand their brand and create a family friendly activity, it made us think about the real value of this Cubs franchise."

"In our two years of ownership, we have realized that this baseball team is quite frankly very depressing.  The fine people of Chicago have but a few months in the summer to enjoy the beauty of Chicago.  The other nine months of the year are apparently ruled by lake effect snow and wind conditions that make my home in Omaha feel like Miami.  To think that all of these Chicagoans have been wasting that precious time watching Alfonso Soriano kick the ball around left field saddens me deeply.  By taking away the baseball and converting Wrigley Field into a water park, the people of Chicago can enjoy the grandeur of this historic park every day from Memorial Day to Labor Day.  Previously, our park literally sat empty half of the summer when the team was on the road and when the Cubs were at home our fans were left with an empty feeling every time that Kosuke Fukodome strode to the plate."

Ricketts went on to discuss further financial ramifications that influenced the new plan.  "Look at what we are losing in concessions.  The fans have to destroy themselves with Old Milwaukee at the Cubby Bear before they can even think about making the walk of shame to the bleachers to watch us lose.  First of all, I think that Wrigleyville is the only location in the western world that even recognizes Old Milwaukee as an acceptable beer to serve to human beings.  But also by the time the fans make it to the bleachers they are too drunk to fork over twelve bucks to buy a Miller Lite.  By the third inning our morbidly obese fans look like a bunch of beached sea lions at Fishermans Wharf and we haven't made a dime off of them."

Ricketts went on to describe that the water park that will feature a number of attractions for all ages named in honor of current and past Cub greats and then read from a marketing release describing the attractions.  Attractions will include: 

-Corey Patterson's Black Hole- This water slide will raise you up to new heights early in the ride before you quickly drop off the face of the earth never to be heard from again.  Located in center field. 

-Ron Cey's Penguin Playland- Your kids will love our Happy Feet themed play area on the third baseline.  You might even catch Mark Prior or Kerry Wood icing their arms in the oversized ice baths dedicated to former manager/career destroyer Dusty Baker.

-Ryne Sandberg's Sand Dunes- A beach themed area around the second base bag to commemorate Chicago most recent and likely last member of the Baseball Hall of Fame

-Sammy Sosa's Smoothie Shack- Cool down with one of Sammy's favorite pharmaceutically enhanced summer treats
-Mark Grace presents the "Slump busters"-An adults only synchronized swimming revue featuring some of the Chicagoland's finest BBWs
-Kosuke's Fuk-u-dome- yes, ladies, it's exactly what it sounds like
-Milton Bradley’s Lazy River-Grab an innertube and circle the outfield on this lazy river style ride which ultimately gets you nowhere
-Tuffy Rhodes Tsunami Slide-Named in honor of the the Cubs outfielder who hit 3 home runs on opening day 1994,  but then went on a 2 year slide, hitting only 5 more home runs before leaving for Japan.  Ultimately tied Sadaharu Oh's single season HR record.

-Steve Bartmania- Put on your headphones and green turtleneck and get ready for the ride that might end your life.  Climb aboard this water coaster that retraces the path of Luis Castillo's fly ball in game 6 of the 2003 NLCS.  You'll scream with horror as you drop from the sky just past the outstretched arms of Moises Alou into one of eight different runs before splashing into a pool where you are beaten by a school of marlins.

When asked about contingency plans in the event that the Cubs fielded a successful baseball team this season, Ricketts responded, “Sure anything is possible.  I mean maybe a goat has been cursing this franchise, maybe Babe Ruth did call his shot in Wrigley back in ’32, and maybe the E-trade baby is really talking.  But you need to face facts, this franchise hasn’t won a world series in over 100 years, why would that change now?  You think Carlos Pena and Matt Garza are going to fix this mess.  We’ll be lucky if we buy 20 points of batting average for every million dollars that we pay Pena this year.  Regardless, in the event that we are within 10 games of the wild-card on Memorial Day, maybe we could borrow Northwestern's stadium.  I don’t think that they play baseball in the Big 10 anyway.  I would offer our Td Ameritrade Park in Omaha but we couldn’t interrupt something as important as the College World Series with something as trivial as Chicago Cubs baseball.”

Thanks to Matt, Marc and TSK for their contributions to this posting

NFL offers more to displaced Super Bowl fans

The NFL has increased its offer of reimbursement to the more than 400 fans who were displaced from their Super Bowl seats.  Fire marshalls declared the temporary seats brought into Texas Stadium specifically for the game unsafe shortly before the game leaving these fans to watch the game on a big screen outside.  This represents the third offer presented by the NFL.  The first two options which consisted of $2,400 -- three times the face value of the affected seats -- and a ticket to next year's Super Bowl or a ticket to any future Super Bowl plus airfare and hotel costs.  After facing almost universal disdain for these initial offers to the fans, the NFL is now offering either $5,000 or reimbursement for "actual documented" Super Bowl expenses, whichever figure is higher.  However with a potential public relations disaster on its hands in the form of a looming lockout, the NFL has decided that it is important to hit a PR home run on this issue.  As a result, the NFL has also offered these fans additional compensation which money cannot buy including:

-One year subscription to Brett Favre's exclusive textline
-an official NFL Snuggie tailored to Bill Belichek's specifications
-Exclusive night on the town with Adam "Pacman" Jones including $1,000 cash to "make it rain"
-One "get of jail free card" from the Cincinnati Police Department
-2 ounces of holy water blessed by Tim Tebow
-Complimentary copy of Josh McDaniels NFL Draft Guide for NFL Insiders
-Limo ride hosted by Jets QB Mark Sanchez to the your local senior high school prom 

-Replica of Mike Shanahan's hoop that Albert Haynesworth and Donovan McNabb were unable to jump through

-a Sports Illustrated Football Phone circa 1990

-NY Jets sideline pass with one complimentary shot on an opposing player

-A locket containing one dreadlock from Marion Barber's head personally removed by Ndamukong Suh

-CD single of  the ultrarare AJ Hawk and Clay Matthews cover of the Indigo Girls classic "Closer to Fine"



We have obtained the song and will provide a copy to our first 10 subscribers that can identify the real Indigo Girls in the photos above

Cleveland Cavaliers Snap 26 Game Losing Streak, Secure Playoff Spot

CLEVELAND, OH - The Cleveland Cavaliers snapped their 26 game losing streak with a 126-119 victory over Blake Griffin and the Los Angeles Clippers tonight.  More importantly with their 9th victory of the season, the Cavs secured at least the 15th seed in the Eastern Conference Playoffs.

"They said it couldn't be done without LeBron. They said 'Jamario Moon can't lead a team to the playoffs.  Now they know better.'"  Cavs forward Jamario Moon said.

"Well, actually, they didn't quite say that. They have no clue who I am. And I don't even know who they are, because no one comes to these games anymore," Moon added.

Cleveland's locker room celebrated the event with warm bottles of Miller High Life that were leftover from the ill-advised "LeBron Is Back" party guard Mo Williams hosted on the evening LeBron James took his talent to South Beach and signed with the Miami Heat.  Not all participants were enthusiastic at achieving the playoffs, however.

  "There's no two ways around it, we've made it as hard for ourselves as we can," Coach Byron Scott said, "we're going to have to play the entire Eastern Conference playoffs on the road.  I'm pretty sure the first round games are going to be in Outer Mongolia to try to increase our footprint in Asia. But just think about the real sports where not every team makes the playoffs. If we were in one of those, we'd be screwed."

"Our chances aren't good, but we're not giving up. This season is about more than 82 games that have virtually no importance on the outcome of the season. Hey, when LeBron was here, we used to win those games all the time. They didn't mean a thing. We're just starting to hit our stride," guard Daniel Gibson said.

The Cavaliers received additional bad news on Wednesday when the already injury-ravaged team learned that, during his rehab from a season-ending ankle injury, forward Anderson Varejao was diagnosed with acute hair cancer.

Author:TSK

The wide reaching impact of Jerry Sloan's retirement

AP Salt Lake City-Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, the longest tenured coach in professional sports, has announced his retirement after 23 seasons and 1,127 wins.  Coach Sloan, who coached two NBA Hall of Famers: John Stockton and Karl Malone, also guided the Jazz to their only NBA finals appearances in which the Jazz were defeated by Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls in 1997 and 1998.  The announcement comes a day after the last in a series of emotional disagreements with star point guard Deron Williams.  Stating that he no longer had the energy to continue, the 68 year old coach handed the reins of the Jazz over to assistant Tyrone Corbin.  Corbin will be only the 7th head coach in Jazz history and its first new head coach since Ronald Reagan was in office. This announcement comes just 2 weeks after the firing of the second longest tenured coach in professional sports, former Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher.

The unexpected nature of Sloan's resignation has led some other long-tenured leaders to reconsider their career paths.  South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond, who has continued to represent the Palmetto state in the United States Senate despite having died in 2003, provided the following statement: "Seeing Jerry Sloan walk away from the game of basketball having never won the elusive NBA championship that he has pursued since my  90th birthday in 1988 has given me a new perspective on my own work.  Perhaps my own lifelong pursuit to reinstate the sweet, sweet institution of slavery that Abe Lincoln and those dirty Yankees wrested from my family when I was just a small boy in 1865 also needs to come to a close.  The idea of Jerry Sloan retiring sounds as outlandish as the idea of a Negro president."  When informed that their was indeed an African-American president, Thurmond promptly had a heart attack and died a second time.

Longtime host of the Tonight Show Jay Leno, who also recently retired but quickly reversed his decision in an attempt to single handedly destroy the NBC television network, offered his thoughts on Sloan's retirement during his monologue tonight.  Unfortunately, no one under the age of 75 and/or possessing an IQ above 75 was watching so no accurate account of what he said exists.  Further information should be available if the show ever makes it to Hulu.

Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions since 1966, who was also questioned about Sloan's long career and retirement was at a loss for words.  The 84 year old coach who can manage a decent team only every 3 or 4 years despite recruiting relatively unopposed in the football talent rich state of Pennsylvania said "Frankly, I don't know what this has to do with me.  I feel nothing."

  

The Superbowl Analysis That You Can't Get From ESPN

While discussing the Super Bowl today, my almost 4 year old son offered this insight.  I think the Steelers will win the game because they will steal the ball from the other team.  You know you are raising your children right if they understood the importance of the turnover ratio before they can read.

Bill Belichick Summoned to Roger Goodell's Office to Explain Academy Award Nominations

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly requested a face-to-face meeting with Bill Belichick after his film NYJ Walkthrough 12/3/10 received 3 nominations for Academy Awards last week.  

"NYJ Walkthrough 12/3/10", a 98 minute film of a final walkthrough of a game plan by New York Jets players and staff, which received nominations for Best Picture, Best Cinematography and Best Supporting Actor, has garnered near-universal acclaim in the cinematic community as a visceral portrayal of futility and despair.  The film, which was shot from the stands at the Jets' practice facility, was rumored to be intended for Belichick's personal game preparation, but has instead become a dark horse to triumph in the Best Picture category over films like The Black Swan and The King's Speech.

Belichick has denied comment on the film, stating only "I have not seen the film, I had no role in its making, and I was operating under the belief that the NFL permitted the conduct that the Academy suggest I played some role in. I would decline any Academy Awards that were given to me."

Heralded cinematographer and fellow nominee Roger Deakins (True Grit) rejected Belichick's response as false modesty.

"I've seen few videos that so captured the grace of Right Red 42 and the weaknesses in D'Brickashaw Ferguson's ability to pick up a right end stunt. It was moving. The gravitas of it all was so much that it looked like the Jets could barely even get the ball moving. It was as if Belichick's film just had a paralyzing effect on them, like the Patriots saw everything coming and the Jets saw the futility of the game," Deakins said.
Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper was among the critics who lauded Walkthrough's single-hidden-camera framing. 

"The single-camera shot is relentless.  It takes the intensity of Hitchcock's Rope and says 'listen, if you're going to have nothing but 8 minute shots, we're going to have a single shot that bears down on the same spot on the field for 98 minutes.'  And the eerily silent soundtrack really harkens back to Von Stroheim," Roeper said.

LaDainian Tomlinson was alarmed to hear of his nomination as Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of an aging, broken-down running back refusing to concede the inevitable.

"I'd like to thank the Academy, but that's a bunch of shit," Tomlinson said. "I'm as fast as I ever was."

Uncredited executive producer Rex Ryan claimed full credit for releasing the films to theaters in New York and LA against Belichick's wishes.

Ryan said, "I knew this could really appeal to the [expletive deleted] public. I mean, millions of [expletive deleted] people watched the  [expletive deleted] Pro [expletive deleted] Bowl. Football sells."

Former Browns and Jets Coach Eric Mangini agreed that the film was worthy of Roger Goodell's attention, but believed the meeting would do nothing to allay Belichick's cinematic career.

"Of course [Goodell]'s calling Belichick in, he probably wants to congratulate him. I mean, this is Roger Goodell, and it's not like Belichick tackled someone like James Harrison. He'll be fine," Mangini said.

Author: TSK